Fast Forward

Where do I begin with what I am about to write. Well my birthday was yesterday and I turned nineteen. It wasn't the eventful day I hoped it would be but it was pretty decent and I can't complain. A lot of people wished me happy birthday, phone calls, emails etc. I spent the morning and afternoon with my mom and spent the night with Emily at her job with Corey (other coworker. Emily bought me a a pink cake with hearts on top and chocolate on the inside. It was yummy =) They sang me happy birthday lol I thought that was sweet. Anyways prior to that before my birthday and everything I finally got to see the movie avatar in 3D which was pretty awesome. I wanna see it again though because there was some distractions....as much as I want to go into detail about everything that happened that night I cant. And I don't even know why but it just seems irrelevant. It feels like I was just THERE and it just HAPPENED. Don't get me wrong it was good but was there any meaning to it? Is that why I feel the way I do? Maybe I think to much idk. I guess I just have to see what happens. When I say "see what happens" it doesn't only mean me and that specific person but just ME. Who do I choose to be with, who am I hooking up with, am I going to flunk this semester, what is to happen in the next couple of weeks or months you know what I mean?....everything is just all over the place. Sometimes I wonder what I get myself into..*sigh*

7 More Days !

Soooooo what's in seven more days your asking? Well my birthday is in seven more days and I'll be 19. I am THRILLED and yet...I'm not. The reason I'm not is because well it's definitely not the same as being 21 and I'm still considered just some teen. There's a numerous amount of things I CANT do but we wont get into that. I mean I don't care because I don't want to rush into anything or rush to get older but it still feels bleh. Im in between an adult and a teen and I don't like that -_- yea well I guess there's nothing I can really do about that but "age" and wait FOREVER! Ahhh well trust me I'll make the best of it and I am in NO rush. I'm not ready to be an old poop just yet anyways :)Until next time....

She Can't Take It Anymore

I CAN NOT fuckin believe this SHIT. How did I know she wouldn't be able to handle it? That sooner or later she was going to say "I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE." Yea we argue of course and we laugh, we cry, we hate and we love...but you go ahead and you give that up. Because you can't freaking take it anymore. MAYBE just MAYBE my father was right for once and he wasn't lying when he said "Your mother wasn't set out to be a mother." Two years ago during the summer I decided to live with you mom. "I fucked up in the past everyones made mistakes but I would love for you and Jonathan to live with me some day..." See I can replay these words in my head over and over again. This is what YOU wanted and never got the chance to have. I wanted to give that to you. You being my MOTHER and me being your DAUGHTER. And so I did....We became so close you and I. We became best friends. Through out everything you helped me and you were there. Through my dating experiences, the crazy summers, online dating we both went through, cooking moments, school, tanning and working out, dyeing our hair every month, funny mornings and nights, you going through your menopause, movie nights, munchies, sleep talking ugh I can go on and on but it only makes me cry. To some it may not seem that serious, but to me it is. I don't feel the need to explain myself because I know its a mother daughter relationship not everyone has. I love what I have with my mom and its hurts me so much for her to say, "You need to find somewhere else to live because I cant take it anymore. I tried." But I made you a promise one day that I'll always be there for you and I'll never leave your side. I know I'm a complete nut when I argue with you and you say I disrespect you but it goes both ways mom. Anyway I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. I know I didn't give you the complete story about the conflict between us because it's not important. I say things, she freaks out. She says things and I get annoyed. Everything stirs up because neither of us can keep our mouth shut. We're arguing and I'm slamming shit and about to go into the mental institution. Crazy shit happens when we argue. To be continued....

Brain Explosion

I have all these wild thoughts going on in my head. I can't stop thinking about certain things. My mind is racing. I don't want to get too personal in my blog. I mean I have my own book where I'll write my own personal shit but for now its just really driving me crazy. It's bothering me because there isn't much that I can do about it but just wait it out. And I HATE that. I HATE when I can't do anything about something that I really want to figure out? Idk if you get what Im trying to say but yea. Its like a pretzel all fucked up and your trying to fix it somehow? Or MAYBE its not meant to be fixed.....Or like tangled jewelery? And you think you untangled it but then your back to square one. I know It sounds retarted but that's the easiest way I can explain it right now lol Like I said in my other blogs, I don't have that much going on in my life and thats not a bad thing either, but then out of the blue...an entity of some sort wants to come out of NO WHERE like wtffuckkk. Im just getting a really bad headache on the left side of my brain and I cant break my head thinking about THIS SHIT. I cannnnnnt. Good bye now.

Blissful

Today I started my classes. It was pretty good except that I have night classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a Proffessor who curses more than I do lol but w.e I don't wanna talk about that. I wanna talk about how I've been lately. Just ME you know, and whats been going on these past few days. For the strangest reason I can't bring myself to explain just yet because I'm not quite sure myself. What I do know is that the days are more radiant and my mood at ease. I'm no longer bleak but I am blissful. I cant let this feeling go.....

` A Sense Of Aloofness. . . . .

I've been having exceptional days lately and just hanging out. Tomorrow I start school again and this will be my second semester. At first I was looking forward to it but now, I am undecided. Apparently I have no other choice. I am just allergic to the fact that I have to buy books and spend my money. Yea today I received my pell grant money which was $500. It's going to go to my books though and nothing else. -__- I can't make any promises though, because the last time it didn't lol I forgot what I spent the money on. Lets just say it wasn't books. Anyways the classes I am taking this semester are: English(II),Bio,Pys,Speech,Critical Thinking. 5 classes. I know this is going to be alot for me but I don't care. I want to get it out of the way as quick as possible and be able to transfer. If you didnt know, my grades for the first semester were not all that great. I wont be taking BMCC's nursing courses. The policy was to have an A- in every single class and unfortunately that was not the case for me. Ahh well. I didn't give it my all and that was my mistake. ALWAYS procrastinating. And still do.....Once again, I have everything I need and my life isn't GREAT but it's not to shabby either and yet I still feel like something is missing. I really wish I knew what it was. Im unsure of what to write anymore. Im tired and bored and tired and just SO BORED !!!!! fuck me Did I mention..oh never mind.

Manic tuesday?

Today I am not going to stay home all day. Yesterday was a waste of a whole entire day and even though it was nasty out, I could have probably still went out. Oh well today is different. I woke up like around 10ish and usually I would go back to sleep but I wont. =) In fact im going to shower now and give my friend Florjan a call afterward. He just had a breakup with his girlfriend and he's really down about it. I don't blame him. So me and the albo bff (hes albanian btw) are just gunna hang out for a lil and just catch up on some things. I haven't seen him since last summer! He's really cool though. After I spend some time with him I am going to go see my Emouy and chill with her for the night. I actually think today is going to be an eventful today! Ahh well I was reading my horoscope and its pretty appealing. Im still not sure what to think of it lol But it sounds good in a way. What do you think? "Maybe Valentine's Day is still on the horizon, but someone is going to totally knock you for a loop, romantically speaking. Look for the one with smart, kind eyes. Your outrageous ideas on love are heady stuff, especially when combined with the chatty celestial energies moving around today. Just make sure you know your audience before you start sharing your notions." Some parts are true which is the funny part. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what Valentines has in store for me...... ;)