She Can't Take It Anymore

I CAN NOT fuckin believe this SHIT. How did I know she wouldn't be able to handle it? That sooner or later she was going to say "I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE." Yea we argue of course and we laugh, we cry, we hate and we love...but you go ahead and you give that up. Because you can't freaking take it anymore. MAYBE just MAYBE my father was right for once and he wasn't lying when he said "Your mother wasn't set out to be a mother." Two years ago during the summer I decided to live with you mom. "I fucked up in the past everyones made mistakes but I would love for you and Jonathan to live with me some day..." See I can replay these words in my head over and over again. This is what YOU wanted and never got the chance to have. I wanted to give that to you. You being my MOTHER and me being your DAUGHTER. And so I did....We became so close you and I. We became best friends. Through out everything you helped me and you were there. Through my dating experiences, the crazy summers, online dating we both went through, cooking moments, school, tanning and working out, dyeing our hair every month, funny mornings and nights, you going through your menopause, movie nights, munchies, sleep talking ugh I can go on and on but it only makes me cry. To some it may not seem that serious, but to me it is. I don't feel the need to explain myself because I know its a mother daughter relationship not everyone has. I love what I have with my mom and its hurts me so much for her to say, "You need to find somewhere else to live because I cant take it anymore. I tried." But I made you a promise one day that I'll always be there for you and I'll never leave your side. I know I'm a complete nut when I argue with you and you say I disrespect you but it goes both ways mom. Anyway I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. I know I didn't give you the complete story about the conflict between us because it's not important. I say things, she freaks out. She says things and I get annoyed. Everything stirs up because neither of us can keep our mouth shut. We're arguing and I'm slamming shit and about to go into the mental institution. Crazy shit happens when we argue. To be continued....

Brain Explosion

I have all these wild thoughts going on in my head. I can't stop thinking about certain things. My mind is racing. I don't want to get too personal in my blog. I mean I have my own book where I'll write my own personal shit but for now its just really driving me crazy. It's bothering me because there isn't much that I can do about it but just wait it out. And I HATE that. I HATE when I can't do anything about something that I really want to figure out? Idk if you get what Im trying to say but yea. Its like a pretzel all fucked up and your trying to fix it somehow? Or MAYBE its not meant to be fixed.....Or like tangled jewelery? And you think you untangled it but then your back to square one. I know It sounds retarted but that's the easiest way I can explain it right now lol Like I said in my other blogs, I don't have that much going on in my life and thats not a bad thing either, but then out of the blue...an entity of some sort wants to come out of NO WHERE like wtffuckkk. Im just getting a really bad headache on the left side of my brain and I cant break my head thinking about THIS SHIT. I cannnnnnt. Good bye now.

Blissful

Today I started my classes. It was pretty good except that I have night classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a Proffessor who curses more than I do lol but w.e I don't wanna talk about that. I wanna talk about how I've been lately. Just ME you know, and whats been going on these past few days. For the strangest reason I can't bring myself to explain just yet because I'm not quite sure myself. What I do know is that the days are more radiant and my mood at ease. I'm no longer bleak but I am blissful. I cant let this feeling go.....

` A Sense Of Aloofness. . . . .

I've been having exceptional days lately and just hanging out. Tomorrow I start school again and this will be my second semester. At first I was looking forward to it but now, I am undecided. Apparently I have no other choice. I am just allergic to the fact that I have to buy books and spend my money. Yea today I received my pell grant money which was $500. It's going to go to my books though and nothing else. -__- I can't make any promises though, because the last time it didn't lol I forgot what I spent the money on. Lets just say it wasn't books. Anyways the classes I am taking this semester are: English(II),Bio,Pys,Speech,Critical Thinking. 5 classes. I know this is going to be alot for me but I don't care. I want to get it out of the way as quick as possible and be able to transfer. If you didnt know, my grades for the first semester were not all that great. I wont be taking BMCC's nursing courses. The policy was to have an A- in every single class and unfortunately that was not the case for me. Ahh well. I didn't give it my all and that was my mistake. ALWAYS procrastinating. And still do.....Once again, I have everything I need and my life isn't GREAT but it's not to shabby either and yet I still feel like something is missing. I really wish I knew what it was. Im unsure of what to write anymore. Im tired and bored and tired and just SO BORED !!!!! fuck me Did I mention..oh never mind.

Manic tuesday?

Today I am not going to stay home all day. Yesterday was a waste of a whole entire day and even though it was nasty out, I could have probably still went out. Oh well today is different. I woke up like around 10ish and usually I would go back to sleep but I wont. =) In fact im going to shower now and give my friend Florjan a call afterward. He just had a breakup with his girlfriend and he's really down about it. I don't blame him. So me and the albo bff (hes albanian btw) are just gunna hang out for a lil and just catch up on some things. I haven't seen him since last summer! He's really cool though. After I spend some time with him I am going to go see my Emouy and chill with her for the night. I actually think today is going to be an eventful today! Ahh well I was reading my horoscope and its pretty appealing. Im still not sure what to think of it lol But it sounds good in a way. What do you think? "Maybe Valentine's Day is still on the horizon, but someone is going to totally knock you for a loop, romantically speaking. Look for the one with smart, kind eyes. Your outrageous ideas on love are heady stuff, especially when combined with the chatty celestial energies moving around today. Just make sure you know your audience before you start sharing your notions." Some parts are true which is the funny part. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what Valentines has in store for me...... ;)

Can someone PLEASE save me!?

I have been home the ENTIRE day in FRONT of the computer doing absoulutely nothing! Twitter, Myspace, Facebook, and Aim. That's all I've been doing. I mean it was nasty outside earlier and I only went out once for like an hour. I went to the library to print out my Advisement sheet from my school and then went to the super market to get a Pepsi and some cookies for my mom and me of course. See my mom wants to get a bigger apartment, in fact she's been trying for a while but my dad is ALWAYS stopping her. Somehow..someway she's never able to get the bigger apartment that she wants. It isn't really for her though, it's for my brother. See at least my brother can have his own room and his own space. I am already over the fact that I will never have my own room unless I move out which isn't anytime soon. But yea my mom needs a letter stating from me and my brother that we're both attenting school, and a letter from my dad stating that he supports the both of us ( but of course he's giving her a hard time ). I honestly don't like to get myself involved because its so fuckin annoying and It's the same bullshit every damn year. Anyway basically the whole day I've been talking to this manly man online lol and we have SO MUCH in common it's not even funny. Funny thing is...I've only seen him once. Ahh but whatever I'm still bored !!!! I wish more exciting things would happen to me. FML.

New Blog !

SO...I had another blog site where I was posting my previous post, but unfortunately it wasn't in my favor. I like this blog site though because it has various layouts I can choose from to make my page purty looking. :) Anyways I guess I'll start from the beginning and try to make it short. My about me section pretty much sums it up. What's left is what is now and what is today. Recently I quit my job at Forever21. I was working there for 2 months as a seasonal employee. I was aware of the fact that after those 2 months, I was no longer seasonal. Even though I could have continued to work there, I refused. At first, the manager didn't want to change the schedule, but that's not why I quit. I quit because the hours at Forever21 are terribly vile and I don't think I can take that. I go to school full time. I can't possibly work full time and go to school full time. Sometimes coming out of work at 4AM? NO WAY.  

The manager was willing to change the schedule for me so that I can be able to work and still go to school. Im flattered -_- I declined the offer of course because I just know that even if they did change the schedule, it would be too much to steer. I also broke up with my ex boyfriend Anthony Aldorasi like last month but that's old news. We were together 8 months. Which is the longest relationship I've EVER been in. Yea sad but I am just not a RELATIONSHIP person? Ahhh I think he’s finally moving on…or so I think. I have and he should do the same. Even though im jobless, single and have my old life back, the solitude is starting to annoy me. I feel lonely now and I need some type of companionship, but then when I have companionship I don't want it anymore! Well lately I’ve just been loitering around and kickin back. I have school to look foward to this week, and my birthday in 2 weeks! OMGGGGG !!! I’ll only be 19 but so what lmfao Im excited. ^__^ I REALLY hope to have a GREAT time. SERIOUSLY because I can't afford not to. That will just suck if im still loitering lol I think I’ll shoot myself. But with no job, no love life,no rules. What more can you ask for? I mean sure I NEED the money but I don't need it THAT BAD. And I’ll have enough money to save with my next 2 paychecks, financial aid money, and tax money UNTIL I get the nursing job that I want. I have to look into that. Maybe a Nursing Assistant or EMT perhaps? Well something like that…I just have to take the training first. Whenever that is. BUT I’ve come to the conclusion that I am going to go for what I WANT THIS TIME. I am not going to sit back and just chill or sleep my life away. I need to get things done and it needs to get done FAST.